Should I Stay or Should I Go?

The few people whom we have told about Alyssa have all asked me the same question. "Why are you staying?" And that's not an easy question to answer. My immediate response when she told me she is a woman was to stay. No questions asked. But I still spent hours pondering all the possibilities and angles this could take and what would be best for the kids.

There was the option of Alyssa not transitioning. And, to me, that was the worst of the options. For her to come out of the metaphorical closet and then be shoved back in saying "and stay there!" Would not bode well. She would most likely become very depressed, angry, bitter. Her ability to be a good father would most likely suffer and she may do damaging things to herself, like drinking, to cope. I imagine we would end up divorcing from this and the children wouldn't have fond memories of a father.

Then there's the scenario of her transitioning but me leaving her, still being a friend to her. That possibility accomplishes nothing for the children. In fact, may be the worst option. I would never keep the children from Alyssa so this wouldn't "save them" from having a transgender parent. On top of that they would see both of us only part time and instead of having me stay at home they would see me only at night and every other weekend. They would essentially lose both of us and still deal with the reprocussions from this. It's simply not an option unless I truly cannot handle this transition and it becomes unhealthy for the family.

So, that leaves me with staying. Staying allows me to still be a wife and stay at home mother. If we continue to grow and be a healthy marriage it will show the kids  a relationship and marriage that runs very deep and withstands almost everything. They will have both of us to love and support them. 

And if our marriage doesn't make it, at the very least I can say I tried. 

My husband is dying

I'm Miranda. A mother of two beautiful children who are turning 1 & 2 this month, and a wife to a mtf trans women beginning her transition. This will be my outlet to share the adventure.

My wife, Alyssa, came out to me just over a month ago. If you're wondering "wow, it's so soon, why is she already referring to him as she/her and Alyssa?".

That's a good question with a simple answer. Because she's a woman. No matter how early she is in her transition she will at least be who she is from me.

When Alyssa came out I can't say I was completely surprised although still shocked. There had been issues in our marriage that had a recurrent theme so I thought it would be this or that she was gay. But I always knew there was something big being hidden. She was able to immediately see a therapist who gave her an official diagnosis of Gender Dysphoria. And I was 100% rooting her on to be who she is. It was never a question of whether I would stay.

Today was the first day of hormones. And it has all hit me hard. This is real and it feels like my husband is dying. The man I was so attracted to that I hung around the tattoo shop where he worked for 6 HOURS to wait for him to finally ask me out. The man that I envisioned being a father to our daughter and son. Have father daughter days. Rolling around in the mud (or whatever boys do) with our son. Possibly adding one more child in a year or two that will never be born now because the hormones will sterilize her.

That's the hardest part. Knowing we will never have another child. Knowing this sexy man is going to be gone and become a woman while I only have pictures to remember the man I married. No more sex where I can feel him. My husband is dying. But my wife will be reborn through him. I fell in love with the person inside and this will definitely be a "deeper than the outside" love.